Turning 66... and counting..

Mother celebrated her 66th birthday last Sunday. It was a simple celebration - I just had my brothers and their families come over the house for a simple lunch of mom's favorites, and then joining her after in her favorite pastime - lounging around in front of TV, commenting on every trying-hard young actors and laughing at every shallow jokes. There was something sweet about this year's celebration though as we gathered around the newest member of our family - Gabriel Karl, born barely a month before mother turned another year older. 


Mother has been single handedly parenting us since father died 15 years ago. She has witnessed major events in our lives alone - the marriages of my 2 brothers, the births of my niece & nephew, my first time behind my own wheel (dad saw me drive - but not my own car), the death of my grandfather, and the many renovations of our small house - the house we have all lived in most of our lives. I heard her question so many times why she had to face it alone, why father didn't live long enough to see these with her, and then pull in those memories again of great testing where she had to brave her way in and out of the hospital to be with father during his dialysis, his kidney transplant, his reverse isolation days and up until his death. Those memories haunt her to this day and has imprisoned her to fear sickness and death more than she has ever before. 

I have tried to look into her fears many times, and whenever I do I find myself upset and to a certain extent even angry. Not because I have not accepted our fate but because our fate has kept her from experiencing the joy of a life free from fear other than fear of God. I know that while we had to deal with the same pain of death, it had touched us differently. 15 years into the journey and I am still learning. I sometimes just wish my mom is embracing it as much as I am. 

I have grown to embrace the pains and discomfort of a single parent home, of being the one to stand by mother when it should be a husband's role, of being a "parent" to her now that she is getting old, and of feeling a certain sting whenever I see her fearful and lonely. This is fate I have learned to accept and slowly but surely starting to find joy in. In one of our rare pillow talk, I told her that I have yet to see her claiming her life of abundance in God. She has allowed so much of the ghosts of her past creep into the tender crevices of her soul, it has rubbed her off her joy and confidence in the Lord who has proven Himself trustworthy over and over again. She knows all these, she has read the bible cover to cover to cover many times over but getting God's word from her head to her heart has been a fierce battle ground for her. She acknowledges her need for God's touch to renew her mind, to be transformed into a woman not clinging on her past pains but on her faithful God. She's trying and I know she's trying very hard - but there is still that scar that continues to feel tender even when it has all been healed and sealed.


And now we will be working on getting those scars all sorted out again. Yesterday her ultrasound finding says Bilateral Renal Parenchymal Disease. I looked it up and I didn't have to look for more to be able to internalize what we have up ahead of us - I just need to see the words kidneys, hypertension, creatinine - words just too familiar for me. As I was laying down on my bed, I kept on mumbling words of prayer "Lord, you know how my mom has very low resistance to stress related to her health. If it pleases you Father, do not allow her to be subjected to another round of medicines, hospital visits and more so operations". I prayed this prayer with her last night and know deep in my heart that while the days ahead are without any guarantees of health and wealth, it is full of hope and peace because God has remained to be the author of our lives. 


Simple Abundance: God knows exactly when to turn fearful situations into great celebrations. Romans 8:28..

New Year.. New Look

I was surprised to find out that this blog has been in existence since 2006. Wow... 4 years and so, with less than 10 entries. Tells so much about the kind of blogger I am. I have several on draft mode, I will write them and then pause.. and then pause for days.. then months... and needless to say they never saw the light of day - or should I say the light of the computer screen.

I know I love to write, years of journal-taking can attest to that, but for some reasons I find it harder to blog. I think its because there is so much self-imposed pressure here (asus!..as if someone reads me =) Then I realized it's really just taking to the net what I love to write about - the wonderful things I am gifted with -  friends, strangers, events, encounters, rendezvous, opportunities, and just simple love for the many blessings God has been giving me in abundance.

So, I decided to just change some things to get me excited again (hopefully). I changed my title to reflect what this blog represents in my life - a collection of thoughts about people and places, experiences and existence. And have the words of none other than John Henry Jowett set the stage for that.

Who is John Henry Jowett? He lived in the 18th century in England. He is a book lover and a great preacher. He gave up preaching in 1922 following his declining health and a year after passed away, but without first being recognized as one of the world's most gifted and dedicated preachers.

"I have had but one passion, and I have lived for it-the absorbingly arduous yet glorious work of proclaiming the grace and love of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

Simple Abundance: Let me just say.. I am grateful to have written this blog without having to pause.. for days =)

Closing Images 2009

Spent New Year's eve with family in Nasugbu, Batangas.

Captured these images using my new 50D =)

The Sunset:God's Great Canvass

The whole time I feel like reaching out to touch the moon, It's just beautiful.

Way pass sunset but the moon just lighted up the sky in rich blue color.

Celebrated the New Year in the company of a dozen Koreans, they were booked in the hotel where we stayed for an English Camp. It was a great way to welcome 2010. All the best as we enter another decade of God's love, faithfulness and grace. Blessed New Year everyone.

Wide awake...

It's 2:20AM and I am still wide awake. Must have been the coffee I had this evening while wrapping up a conversation with a friend, must have also been the cold shower I took just before hitting the bed, but I think that there is one major culprit for this stolen sleep -- it's that thought again of wanting to break free from a bad habit.

I am glad that a few - if none at all - read my blogs. I feel a sense of freedom to just write about anything here. Thoughts that I have been wanting to read aloud but never intended to be listened to by anyone. It is that place where I can just spend a few minutes trying to get my mind and hands busy while hoping for sleep to catch up on me.. at least before I end this entry. Just to speak of maybe nonsense, just to write about nothing significant, just so... just so.. I can get my mind off thoughts that will only bring a sense of defeat.

I don't want to sound like a real loser because I am not. I know that I have overcome a lot of those habits already, I know that I have decided to really move on, I know that I have committed fully to God's sovereign will. And I know that most of the time I walk on higher grounds... but times come when I find myself in those familiar crevices, knowing that I might find things there that will cause me to think of thoughts I shouldn't be thinking, & feel emotions I shouldn't be feeling, & yes even loose precious sleep over them.

When moments like this come only one person calms my heart, only one act brings me peace. I wonder what a sad life it will be for me if Christ is not at the center of it, if prayer is not powerful for me. I open God's word and I know He is right there to uplift me, to encourage me, to remind me... that I am a work in progress. That the things that matter to me, matter to Him because I matter to Him. That no matter how many times I come back to those crevices, He will not get tired getting me back on higher ground. That He will listen no matter how many times I repeat myself. That I can count on Him to be always be there for me -- even when the going gets even tougher. Not only is He showing me this through some unexplainable grace, but He uses people -- people who are even the least that I expect to come through for me but yes they do. They are God's vessels of love, acceptance and blessings.

Things can only get better, life can only get more beautiful. I am a clay in my Potter's hands. No matter how many times I get pounded on, how many more swirling I need to go through, and how much more heat I need to take -- my Potter can only be doing a masterpiece out of this episode in my life. God is indeed a faithful God and blessed are indeed those who wait upon Him for help.

3:07... my dearest Father, let me fall asleep in your loving arms now..

Simple Abundance: I finished some work tonight because well...I cannot sleep, I am now more prepared for tom's load then.

Not the Road Less Traveled...

Have you ever gone to a place using the same route over and over again? Though there are many other ways you can take to get there? Though you know that other ways are much faster? Though you know that a change of sceneries will be good for you? And while you program yourself not to take this route tomorrow, you always end up getting on the same road.

It has become so automatic that you no longer think much when you drive, you just know that at this certain point you will have to steer the wheel to the left, that this is where the traffic light is and you just know when to gently hit the breaks, and this is where you will need to slow down because a hump is just a few meters away even if it is barely noticeable with its black & yellow paint fading out.. And yet you know because you have been through this road so many times. It has become so familiar it numbs you to the new things that should probably bring a taste of excitement. Then you come to a full stop and you realize you just breezed through another journey.

You end up where you expect to end up. You know that you will eventually have to switch on the engine again, and another journey begins, but no matter how much you talk yourself into taking a different route you always end up trekking the same road. You don’t mind the destination; you know that this is where you will have to go anyway. Not that the place is something pleasant, but it is the place that you know you will have to be for now. But somehow you hope that something in the journey will bring some kind of relief or even just an entertainment from what is inevitably going to welcome you when you reach your destination. So each day you make your mind to take a different route but each day you find yourself passing through the same people, slowing down in the same hump, turning left to the same corner. Then it brings you back to where you left off. It is that place where you find your life attached to completely loving and utterly wondering how this will end.

Of course you know how this will end, you believe in eternal life… and eternal love. Love will find its way beyond what is temporary and mortal. But how will it end now, in this mortal temporary life? You have tried to find answers and some of the ways you tried, you are not proud of. You have tried for years and in each year that you do, you swore to yourself that it will be the last. But you find yourself in the same path, year in and year out.

The path so familiar… you can go through it with eyes closed. Sometimes you shut your eyes tight because for a moment you just want to forget that this path leads to a place just as familiar … a place so ridiculously, shamefully and painfully familiar.

And yet there is something redeeming in all these. For in the midst of the frustration and ache it feels so good to know that you can actually love in this manner… that you can actually be capable of drowning your own tears because you need to put on a joyful countenance. And upon much self drilling you realize you really are joyful… joyful for having loved and loving still.

Simple Abundance: One quiet night, after "Brother's Karamazov" failed to put me to sleep, I grabbed my laptop and allowed myself to be lost in thoughts again. What a soothing way to end the day.

Does one ever really get tired of Boracay...

Not me... maybe not for a long period of time... It still has it's enchanting way of drawing me back to it over and over again.. i don't know.. maybe it is its gorgeous sunset that calms the soul, or its powder fine sand that soothes tired feet, maybe its the quietness of its morning or the loudness of its nights, maybe its the excitement of encountering new faces or the comfort of seeing old ones. Whatever it is, Boracay is Boracay to me... a place of loud parties and intimate fellowships, of careless running to catch a freezbie or a quite walk by the shore on the break of dawn, of hearty laughter that catches you out of breath or of solemn silence that grabs you & woos you to get lost in its peaceful mornings.

Maybe more than just the place itself, I associate Boracay with a lot of pleasant memories as well. There was one time, I went with just 2 friends - a couple. And in that trip I had one beautiful encounter with God as He opened my eyes (with the help of my friends)to how painfully beautiful it is to abandon my heart to His will. 6 months later, I experienced another awesome work of God as I witnessed the union of dear friends in marriage. There was one conversationn that to this moment makes my heart swell with bittersweet memories of words spoken. There was the funny tipsy moments too..the list just goes on and on... & so does the smile it evokes whenever remembered.

I won't probably get tired of Boracay... oh well not maybe I get to experience Amanpulo..

Simple Abundance: I am back!!.. hopefully... with more entries.

So after three weeks....

Friends have been nagging me to update my blog. A lot of major events have taken place since I made a detailed account of my diving experience but the busy schedule got in the way. In fact, I am multi tasking as I write this entry. My singapore boss is blabbing away the 2007 plan as I recall the memory of the past three weeks.

For one, there was Milenyo. Eveyone has a story to tell about his fury (should have been Milenya, right? Aren't typhoons named after women...?) and as for me, it's enough to say God took care of me and my mom the whole time that Milenyo was venting our his anger that morning . But I just have one very significant story to tell.

Height of the typhoon and I was seated quietly in one corner of my room trying to dispell the fear that was slowly creeping in. I've never heard the sound of the wind that strong that it was giving me goosebumps. I got several text messages from friends asking for prayer intercession as they encounter the typhoon up close & personal -- a friend's son was stranded alone in EDSA, our church's roof was hit hard by a debri and has 3 large holes, an officemate's car was hit by a billboard.. so on & so forth.

As I closed my eyes to pray, I heard a knock on my bedroom's door. My mom, trying to look calm & composed, told me that a mango tree in our parking area got uprooted and crashed on some parked cars. I suddenly felt all too jittery as I tried to recall where I parked mine. Early that morning, my neighbor woke me up bec. my car was blocking hers. I had to park my car then in the area that was far from all the trees & posts. I was relieved to have done that earlier that day.. not at all anticipating the devastation the typhoon will bring, I was just awed to recall that it all happened bec. of God's orchestration. God knew exactly what will happen and protected me from it. Later that day as the weather got better, I went out to check the extent of damage. I wasn't prepared to see what I saw -- the mango tree's large branches were on top of three cars, another huge tree fell and took together with it a large electrical post, causing the transmitters to explode. The whole street leading to the main one was covered with broken branches and glasses, it was completely unpassable. I've never seen such damage so close to home (literally & figuratively), that all I could do was thank God for sparing me and beg God to comfort those affected.

Milenyo seemed to have achieved what it came to do. But we are Pinoys.. experts in handling tragedies. Maybe not in terms of social development but definitely in managing our emotional well being. Milenyo is maybe a strong typhoon... but really.. to us.. it is just another typhoon. And that will not stop us from enjoying life.. even storming the malls for any possible good bargain after the storm..

Simple Abundance: My car was parked 3 cars away from where the mango tree fell. Really... it could have been my car... so really, God knows. I can never thank God enough...

Kudos to the great men and women of this year's clean up dive!

Mother nature is proud of you!

International Coastal Clean Up Day

Sept 16 - 17, 2006
Eco Explorer and Aqua Ventures